In Sickness and in Health
Heartfelt Vows, But...
by Cathy L. Brackin, Esq.

"In sickness and in health." The vows are heartfelt, but even the best relationships are put to the test when serious illness strikes. Whether you are married, in a committed relationship or just dating, chronic illness has a significant impact. Loss of income is a major stressor when one partner becomes disabled. Household responsibilities become imbalanced as the healthy partner must assume more chores. Gone are the vacations, family parties or other recreational and social activities that the couple once enjoyed together. The sexual relationship can deteriorate. 

While some say that their relationships have grown stronger in the face of medical adversity, others maintain that they have suffered. My client Linda ^* shared the story of how her 21-year marriage ended. Her fibromyalgia  progressed to the point where she could no longer work. Three years later her husband left. "He didn’t understand how sick I was, " Linda explained.  He complained that there was "no end to it." Her husband could not keep up with things around the house. They could no longer ride bikes or kayak together. Lost income was a factor. She described her disability as a "thief in the night" who took stole everything from her.   

Divorce rates are much higher than the average population in marriages involving a seriously ill spouse. Statistics vary, but some studies place the divorce rate as high as 70 percent. The divorce risk is higher when the woman is sick, according to a 2009 study published in the journal Cancer. The study examined 515 married patients with either brain tumors or cancer. Nearly 12 percent of the marriages ended either in separation or divorce after the diagnosis of serious illness. Of those failed marriages, 88 percent of the ill partners were female. The study suggests that men are less able to undertake a caregiving role and assume the burdens of family maintenance.

What can couples do to preserve their relationships? I got some expert advice from  Barbara Gondek, LCSW, of the Center for Family Guidance in Marlton. She said that the sick person needs to have others acknowledge the illness. Don’t downplay it with, "Everything will be alright." Communication is very important. The ill partner needs to be open to talking about how he or she feels about the changes in their life. Ms. Gondek suggested drawing a picture of how one is feeling to help open up a discussion. As for the healthy partner, she advises getting involved in a caregiver’s support group or just getting out with friends. The ill person should be asked what he or she still can do. The caregiver should keep in mind that the ill person still needs a partner, not a parent checking up on them. Ms. Gondek recommended an excellent article on www.webmd.com entitled, "Chronic Illness: 7 Relationship Tips." 

*  name changed to protect privacy.

Cathy Brackin has been advocating for the injured and disabled since 1985. Graduated Montclair State College with a Bachelor of Arts degree in 1979; received Juris Doctor degree from Rutgers University - Camden in 1984.

Admitted to practice in New Jersey and Pennsylvania. Member of the National Organization of Social Security Claimants’ Representatives.

Miss Brackin directs and teaches in the Christian Education program at her church.

Cathy L. Brackin
4151 Route 42
Turnersville, NJ 08012
Phone: 856-513-6362
Fax: 856-513-6382
Email: brackin@njdisabilitylaw.com
Web: http://njdisabilitylaw.com